To make changes in our lives is not an easy endeavour - it takes courage, resilience, resolve. and it can take time and much soul searching.
To change jobs, careers, the place where we live, or the people we have in our lives, is complicated. We might talk about it, or even plan for it, but making that step into a new phase of life is often overwhelming. In some ways remaining in a state of unhappiness is easier; the familiarity of that environment, and those who inhabit it with us, at least provides a sense of continuity. We may be miserable, but we console ourselves with the notion that misery is part of life, therefore it is simply to be endured.
There are however other issues that might impact on our ability to radically change direction. There may be financial constraints - paying the bills and maintaining a lifestyle. Then there are the responsibilities we have for others, such as caring for elderly parents or young children. In some ways we sacrifice the lives we might imagine for the lives that we actually have; sacrifice can sustain a sense of meaning, but this often needs to be nurtured and revisited over time. We must also be cognisant of the fact that a meaningful life and a happy life are not always the same, and this has some very practical implications for the decisions we make, both long and short term.
Let's take work as an example. According to a 2023 survey conducted by the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) in the UK (https://www.cipd.org/uk/about/press-releases/good-work-index-job-quality-new-research/):
'A third of people sometimes feel bored at work (33%), 26% sometimes feel miserable, and 21% sometimes feel lonely'.
'Overall, workers are more likely to think that work is purely transactional, just for the pay, compared to four years ago (43% in 2023, compared to 36% in 2019)'.
Those statistics paint a picture of a significant number of people in the workforce who are unhappy and/or unfulfilled. Perhaps we shouldn't be too surprised by this. Many in past generations worked in harder conditions and for longer hours and were likely never asked about their job satisfaction! That said, our expectations are far higher, as is our standard of living in general.
If people are miserable in their work environment, why don't they join another company, retrain, or change career completely? Many do. Yet many stay for the reasons previously outlined.
Change always brings with it a degree of discomfort. You may be someone who is risk averse and cautious: that discomfort level will most likely be high. However, if you are risk tolerant, then your experience will be different, and you will be more likely to make bolder decisions.
The balance between risk (e.g. losing income, status, career continuity, familiarity) and reward (e.g. more enriching environment, improved lifestyle, increased opportunities) is different for each person and each situation. In short it's not always easy, although some people are more methodical than others when it comes to decision making!
But what if, after all our deliberation, it's just not possible for us to make the changes we really want to make? What if maintaining the status quo is our only realistic option? Well, it's completely understandable if this leaves us deflated, depressed, and feeling stuck.
Missed or constricted opportunities can be emotionally painful; we can experience what is essentially a grieving process. It takes time.
What then, do we do? I'm reminded of the words of the Spiritual Writer Thomas Merton: 'You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level'. There is much truth in that statement, and it's given extra meaning by Dr. Viktor Frankl's maxim: 'When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.'
Getting to know ourselves better is a task that many shy away from. It is however worth it as it ultimately enhances our wellbeing, not just in the area where we're seeking to make changes, but across the board. This make sense as we function as integrated beings: we are not just employees, or carers, or spouses, or parents - we are an amalgam of all of those and more. The decisions we make as employees, for example, affect our home lives and quality of our relationships.
When we know ourselves better, then we can have greater confidence in our ability to make decisions that alter the way we see our lives. We may have concluded that we're not able to change careers, but we can alter the way that we view our current employment. We could resolve to build more meaningful relationships in work, or consider whether a different role within the same company is possible, either now or in the future. Or, after reflecting on the quality of our work/life balance, we may make more use of the time we have with our families. There are a myriad of ways in which we can find greater meaning in what we already have and the opportunities thereof, and each individual is different.
Finally, our attitude towards what we might regard as missed opportunities is summarised beautifully by the Scots-Canadian Inventor Alexander Graham Bell:
Remember, a closed door can be a very powerful catalyst for meaningful change!
As we move forward, it is worthwhile to summarise how we enact that change: 1) decide what we want, 2) evaluate how we make that change, and then 3) do it! If, after evaluation, situational change is not possible, then points 1) and 3) are the same, but 2) refers to attitudinal change.
Navigating change in any aspect of our lives can be difficult and an outside eye can help to see those challenges from a neutral perspective. I offer one-to-one sessions to assist clients make meaningful decisions whatever the scenarios they are contemplating. Please do contact me if this is something you wish to explore.
Take care, Scott
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