We have all experienced rejection at some point in our lives. It might have been the job we did not get, the person we loved did not reciprocate, or we failed in some important endeavour. More than likely we've experienced all of these, perhaps more than once.
The emotional pain that we feel in rejection can be difficult to articulate, and we may keep those emotions buried deep in the hope that we can control them in that way. Inevitably though, we cannot, and they make their presence felt eventually. It may be that we are 'triggered' by a memory, or a person, or a place, and there we are, experiencing the pain we had desperately sought to avoid. Or it might be the case that our latent insecurity and low self-esteem is further agitated by the rejection we face; we see it as confirmation that we are not worthy after all, and that those doubts that have haunted us over the years are in fact well founded.
There may be some days when we feel less upset and have some respite from our feelings, but at other times it seems that we have made no progress at all. In truth, recovery from rejection is not linear - it is not simply a matter of time, where we can predict the point when all will be well, if only we can hang on for a defined period of time. We are wonderfully unique in how we are made and how we make our way in a tumultuous world: the sadness and grief of rejection affect us all differently.
Those of us who are highly sensitive feel rejection even more keenly. It has a very physical (soma) dimension in addition to the psychological (psyche), and spiritual (noos) one. This is how we Logotherapists frame our understanding of human experiences, including rejection. The manifestations might be as follows:
Soma: tiredness, headaches, restlessness, insomnia.
Psyche - tearfulness, reduced self-esteem, hopelessness, isolation,
Noos - loss of hope, lack of enjoyment, altered sense of self, lack of meaning and purpose in life (short and long-term).
There is of course significant overlap between all of these 'symptoms' and the many more that could be added to the list. The point being that rejection is a phenomena that we should treat with the utmost compassion and understanding.
How do we do that? Well, the first point is to acknowledge it for what it is - rejection is a normal part of life. In Logotherapy we focus on what we can change about the situation, and what we cannot, therefore:
Accept and respect that the rejection as the will of the other person, and do not try to change their minds. Although this can be incredibly difficult, accepting the other person's agency (whether the 'person' is a corporate entity, or a friend/family member/romantic partner) is crucial.
Allow yourself to feel all of the emotions as they make themselves known. This might appear like you are relinquishing control, but in actual fact it is an act of taking control of the noetic aspect of your situation. Be as honest as you can with yourself and what you are experiencing.
Reflect on what you can change. This operates very much in the noetic dimension:
Be grateful for the opportunities the situation has presented you with, such as loving another person, or being able to reassess your career plans. We learn from those experiences, although it may take time to appreciate that.
Whatever it was that you had very much hoped for was not meant to be. There is a very common (and unattributed) quote that floats around the internet that is particularly apt in this respect: 'Never force anything. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it will be'.
Think more deeply about who you are - those combination of characteristics that are uniquely you. Work on accepting yourself, but also on growing beyond any limitations you may identify. Insight can be an incredibly powerful catalyst for change - appreciate the positive whilst recognising the negative.
Move on definitively - ruminating is completely understandable, but once you make the decision to accept what you cannot change, new opportunities will present themselves. You may conclude that the career you had planned was not for you, therefore you can look to the future with a different, more meaningful focus. Or, you may find that you are more compatible with a potential partner that you have yet to meet, and without the initial rejection this would not have happened.
Rejection is an ineffaceable part of life's journey, for each and every one of us. The question then, is what we do with it when we are faced with it. There is much that we can do, as I have outlined briefly above. But like bereavement, rejection takes time and intention to get to the point where we are able to move on, at least to some degree. The difficulty lies in the process, and that is where Logotherapy & Existential Analysis can be incredibly useful.
I offer one-to-one sessions to clients experiencing the whole range of challenges in life, including rejection. Please do contact me if you are interested in exploring this further.
Take care,
Scott
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